Adults in Cradles
I’ve noticed a disturbing trend lately and I’d like to address it. It seems like kids today are staying longer and longer with their parents past the age most consider “adulthood.”
Every year I hear about more and more acquaintances living with their parents and staying longer and longer. This really bothers me, and I’m not some crotchety old man dreaming of the glory days. I’m 25 and dreaming about the here and now.
I have old high school friends that are 26 and 27 still living with Mom and Dad and no plans to move. What’s causing this?
They’re adults still sleeping in their cradles, it seems.
The world’s gotten more expensive to live in, no doubt. We’re in a tough economic climate and jobs are hard to come by, but is that really a valid reason?
The #1 reason I hear over and over again is a lack of money. People just can’t afford to live on their own. The irony, I think, is that most of these people can’t afford to live on their own because they live with their parents.
Truth is, no one can afford to live on their own when they’re young. The fact that some took a chance on themselves and tried anyway is the only reason they made it.
People make things happen when they have to make them happen. It’s human nature to avoid problems until you’re forced to deal with them.
By staying at home and waiting for the perfect situation to arise, you’re denying yourself the opportunity to learn how to respond to imperfect circumstances. This is a big problem because, as we all know but don’t always like to admit, the “perfect” situation never comes.
I moved out of my parents home at 18, less than a month after graduating from high school, to start a job hundreds of miles away. I didn’t have any money and when I got there I didn’t even have a place to stay. I spent a few nights sleeping in my car in motel parking lots before I found a place I could afford.
By some logic, I should be broke and destitute now. But somehow, 7 years later, I’m far better off than anyone I know who stayed home to save money. I’m not the only one. In fact, everybody I know that took a chance on themselves when they didn’t think they were ready ended up in the same position.
Money isn’t the only concern, though. If you stay home too long, you miss out on learning a whole host of other really important “adult” things. For example:
- How to budget and manage bills. You know they exist, but when Mom and Dad are paying them, you never learn what it takes to really make it every month or what the consequences are when you forget about them.
- How to care for a home. I firmly believe that every single person should live alone as an adult before living with others. You gain perspective about your own habits when there’s no one to blame but yourself when things go wrong.
- How to care for yourself. No matter how old you are, living at home will always be a parent/child relationship. You never get the opportunity to take full responsibility for yourself.
- How to develop adult relationships. Sorry, this just can’t be done when Mom and Dad are your roommates. Not on the level you need to really connect with someone.
- How to take a risk. You can do all kinds of crazy things, but you won’t get the real benefit from them when your parents are providing a full-scale back-up system. Risk, by definition, involves a real chance of loss.
All hope is not lost, though. Not by a long shot. These are things ever person has to learn eventually. It’s only a question of when.
If someone asked me for a list of things they could do to get out of their parents house quick and get on with their own life, here’s what I’d tell them:
Don’t save more than 3 months of expenses.
Once you’ve got that cushion, jump ship. It might not feel like enough, but you want to avoid the trap of saving forever and never having enough to feel comfortable. That’s overwhelming and the perfect situation will never come. Trust yourself that when times get tough (and they will), you’ll step up and figure it out.
Move far away.
Any parent is going to hate this advice, but it’s one of the most important steps. Parents that let their kids live at home until they’re 30 are the same ones that bail them out until they’re 50. Likewise, kids that live at home until they’re 30 are the same ones that accept being bailed out until they’re 50.
If you want to take a step to break that chain, you need to take some time and get far away from your safety net. The apartment down the street isn’t going to do much for you. If you take as little as you possibly can, you’ll spend less moving far away than you will moving a house full of stuff just down the road. My friend Everett at Far Beyond the Stars just moved from Brooklyn to San Francisco for $125.
Get roommates.
They’ll lower your living expenses considerably and help you learn how to live with other diverse adults. Like I said though, I’d try to live by myself for at least a few months first. Then, I’d try to find roommates that have also lived on their own. This will make the transition a lot easier.
Move to a cheap part of town.
When you’re young, the cool part of town is very appealing, but you’re also broke and living there is really expensive. You’re able bodied. Move to the outskirts of the neighborhood and walk or bike. The cool neighborhood will be moving soon, anyway. They always do.
Most of all, just believe in yourself.
Easier said than done, I know, but that’s what it’s going to take. Most people stay home longer than necessary because they don’t believe they can take care of themselves. Could that be true? Maybe, but probably not.
You have thousands of years of evolution behind you. Give yourself a chance to test your abilities. Even if it doesn’t work out, you won’t regret it.
Over to you: What advice do you have for someone that wants to leave the nest but doesn’t know where to start? Let me know in the comments.
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Image by: ex.libris