Who will you be in the future?

Most of my time each day is spent trying to overcome my own fears and insecurities. I try to embrace a life of risk-taking, but that doesn’t mean I do it fearlessly; I have a lot of hang-ups that keep me from immediately taking action on some of the things I know I want to do the most.

This is okay.

I never expected this to be easy and, to be honest with myself, it’s going to get a lot harder before it gets easier. This is a lifestyle change. It’s something that will take me the rest of my days to truly figure out. I can only hope I get there before my time expires.

Speaking of getting there, I’ve been thinking, lately, about where “there” really is. Like I said, I spend a lot of time each day simply trying to talk myself into doing the things I know I want to do. I’m trying to get somewhere—somewhere different than where I am right now.

Where is that? I don’t fully know. And I don’t know that I should; that’s kind of what makes it all worth it. One thing that’s certain, though, is that I’m constantly working myself through a sort of molting process. Each time I make it somewhere new, I try to shed the skin that got me there so that I can develop a new, better one to take me to the next place I want to be.

What if I just stopped doing that?

What if I simply decided that where I am now is good enough? Would my life be better or worse? Would I be happier or more discontented? What about you? What would it do to your life?

My gut reaction is that it would be awful. I’ve developed a routine that basically involves breaking myself out of routine as much as possible. To end that would be uncomfortable. I’d feel like I was giving something up that I’m striving for. But, then, would it really be any more uncomfortable than I am now? My whole modus operandi these days is to get comfortable being uncomfortable—that’s how you continuously take yourself to the next level, the next phase of life.

But is the next level really where you always want to be?

When is it okay to pick a spot and just hang out for awhile? If I’m on this trajectory to constantly one-up myself, am I missing anything along the way? Should I slow down and just enjoy myself for awhile?

I get a lot of enjoyment as it is out of this ever evolving process, so my instinct says no and, of course, I’m getting better and better at trusting my instincts. The intuitive me tells me that ever changing, ever evolving is the path I belong on. Right now, it feels right.

Will it always feel right?

I don’t know, I guess I’ll just have to wait until I get to wherever it’s taking me to find out. I don’t know who I’ll be in the future. I can only hope that the me I’m creating right now is building a consciousness that will steer the ship the right direction once I’m there. Me and future me are yet to be acquainted, but we’re increasingly interested in each other.

Can you think of a time in your life when you were completely contented? When you would have been comfortable just staying right where you were forever?

I remember a time quite vividly. It was July, 2008 and I was laying in the grass under a tree by a canal in Amsterdam, sipping a orange juice that cost $7 and eating the best piece of cheese I’d ever tasted while I listened to my Couchsurfing host tell me about the time, years ago, she took acid, lost track of time for three months, and woke up in Japan. It was frightening and hilarious all at the same time.

The sun was setting as the breeze blew gently on my face. I took my shoes off and looked up at the sky thinking, “I would be perfectly happy if I stayed right here forever.”

A few hours later, the sun went down. It got cold. My orange juice was gone. The cheese was bothering my stomach. My host was still trying to remember just how the hell she ended up in Japan; the story was growing a little old.

That’s when I realized nothing perfect lasts beyond the time allotted to it by the universe, and trying to fight that is mostly a waste of time.

So, when I think about what it means to be happy with who I am and when I think about what it means to try to become someone else, someone new, I get mixed feelings about which I should embrace. More and more, it’s starting to feel like I should just accept both. That I should be a farmer and an explorer. That I should embrace the maximalist path and pursue both equally. It’s worked so far; why give up on a good thing if the universe will tell me when it’s time to move on.

Perfection does exist, but it doesn’t last.

I don’t know exactly who I’ll be in the future, no matter how hard I try to set the course. You don’t either. Steer the ship, but if the wind blows you off course, find a new way to the destination.

Right now, I’m pretty happy with where I am, but I know that, tomorrow, those feelings will start to change, and it’ll be time for me to shed my skin again.

For now, I’ll just enjoy the sunset.

~~~~~

Side note: I’ll be in Austin, Texas tomorrow through Tuesday for SxSw. If you’re going and want to meet up, send me a note and we’ll get together.

Image by: JPhilipson